I FORGOT...

The thing about taking on an ambitious project and doing it in front of the world is that when you fail, you fail spectacularly.  It sometimes makes picking up the pieces more difficult.

Just over 9 months ago, I began what I thought would be a fairly simple adventure... take one year of my life to explore how to add more creativity to each day...a 365 day adventure.

The funny thing about thinking of each day as including an INHALE and EXHALE activity was that somewhere along the line as our lives got more and more stressful, I wasn’t just gasping for air, I literally forgot how to breathe.

Stress makes you do funny things. 

I would wake gasping from a dream of being smothered with my heart racing and then be unable to get back to sleep.

I found myself getting lost in simple, mindless things like watching odd TV shows or playing Farmville on Facebook after a long day of substitute teaching instead of picking up a pencil to sketch or a needle to stitch.

So to those who were waiting for me to offer some guidance along the way in this adventure, I apologize for the huge gap in this blog.

I didn’t even journal through this stretch of darkness, which is really odd for me.  It was as if I wanted to have no proof of this dark time and my black thoughts anywhere.

While I went out and smiled when I was teaching, meeting with clients or doing Zoomba classes, at home I curled up, hid and just tried to keep my lungs working, even as my mother-in-law had to have a whole section of hers removed. Nick and I were each trying to comfort the other when we didn’t feel strong ourselves, hoping to keep things as normal as possible for the kids.  I am sure they saw through some of our cracks.

After a very long stretch, almost 15 weeks, my mother-in-law is home from the hospital, weak but on the mend.  Nick is wrapping up a school year that is ending with chaos and uncertainty as his school gets downsized to move students to a new school as boundaries get redrawn.  The girls are ending up their year on a high note with Erin earning a spot on Team NB for volleyball, the elite provincial team along with an academic award for Grade 9.  Bethany’s awards ceremony is this week and she is hopeful about her marks earning her some recognition as well.

As for me, I have spent enough time in the quiet to realize that INHALING CREATIVITY could never be a single year’s adventure.  It is going to take me quite a few years to put together a daily creativity adventure to follow or share.  I am starting to feel as if this is not just something to try for a year, but rather a way to live and keep breathing on a daily basis for the rest of my life.

Through all this chaos, I still found myself doodling, rummaging for wool, staring at floor tile patterns or looking for shapes in clouds.  I even found heart shapes in watermelons and bits of discarded plastic.

Maybe this isn’t anything I can turn off.  

Maybe choosing Inhalations and Exhalations was the right image after all.

It’s time to take a deep breath and begin again.

Join me tomorrow for the first new breath of this adventure.

The Seven Month Itch...

A funny thing happened since my last blog post... I forgot how to breathe.  As life threw one curve ball after another at me, I felt as if I was sucking small gasps of air through clenched teeth instead of nice, deep inhales and exhales.

I felt as if the only thing I had to say was a scream or a sob... and I felt crushed.

I’d had such grand plans when I dove into this experiment 7 months ago.  I had wonderful visions of filling each day with more joy and creativity than the day before.  I envisioned the wonderful, enviable person I would become as I shared this wonderful adventure with an eager, waiting world out there in cyberspace.  It was like a honeymoon!

This past month has definitely been more like a couple who have been married at least 7 years... the sparkle was starting to wear off as life kept crashing down around me.

I started to resent my Creativity when it whispered that I should take a bit of time out of the chaos to just breathe.  It was like a partner suddenly pointing out an annoying habit of leaving the cap off the toothpaste or socks on the floor.

As I threw myself into the colouring book illustration project with all the changes and approvals, the shift in personnel and the inner demons of self-doubt, my Creativity waited patiently, like a faithful lover waits on the couch on a Friday night for their partner to come home from overtime at the office.

As I scrambled to finish a knitted afghan for a member of my faith family struck down suddenly only to have them die before I could finish it, my Creativity hugged me in comfort and whispered that there would be someone else to appreciate the gift in time.

As I drove my hands, eyes and body to the brink with multiple deadlines, my Creativity chided me to find a better balance the way a spouse would point out that too many cookies is bad for the waistline.

I tried ignoring Creativity’s voice reminding me to just inhale and exhale, to imagine a bit, to dream a bit and to just ride this rough patch through.  I felt I had nothing to say to it, to myself or to the world.

Now with some of the deadlines passed and a crop of new pressures on the horizon, my Creativity and I have entered a new, deeper relationship.  I have learned that I don’t have to justify this adventure to myself or make it live up to some impossible standard, I just have to go through the process.

One breath at a time.

Inhale...

Exhale...

Repeat 

As I look back on what I did during the past  41 days of my life and the silence here in cyberspace, I can see how my Creativity prodded me, encouraged me and pestered me into living this adventure despite myself.  Here’s how I know.

• the lap quilt that would have been for Betty if she'd survived the stroke and heart attack...

• the scarf I finished for Erin just as the last of the snow melted...

• the ornament I designed and stitched for next fall's JCS ornament issue... sorry, you only get a tiny peek!

• the denim blue moss stitch scarf that only worked in the car and not at the volleyball games.  I kept forgetting to K or P!

• the logo designed for a friend's family reunion this summer...

• a glimpse at two of the quick sketches I did on my tablet hooked up to the smart board during a school visit where

Paul Burns (author of Owen & the Dinosaur) and I did an enrichment workshop where they created stories as a group while I illustrated the panels.

• the pink wool I picked up to knit a baby blanket for my cousin's little daughter who was just born a few weeks ago.  It is half done thanks to a 2 day tournament in Halifax as well as the drive there and back...

No Inhale or Exhale tonight... just the whisper "I'm Back!"

Be Creative In Your Failure...

It was a rough week.  I filled in for a resource teacher at my daughter’s high school again this week which meant that I was not only filling the new SEP information (Specialized Education Plan) into the computer systems for the new terms that just started, I could also be pulled out for any emergency supply work in the building.

Part of that included shepherding a group of 14 students down to a conference at a downtown hotel where they were fed lunch and then became test subjects for a new pilot program to help Grade 10 students determine their career paths, their dreams, their goals and their FOCUS.

As someone who has tried to live my focus for 33 years now, I found this both inspiring and incredibly depressing.  

Inspiring, because there are so many more choices for young people than there were in my day going through high school and anything that helps them figure out where their gifts, talents and passions lie is a good thing.

Depressing because I have tried to be true to myself throughout my whole career path in all the ways I have juggled Creativity with other work, motherhood and daily tasks... but I watched my income from something I had built up over 16 years crumble to almost nothing thanks to the Internet and people who felt no guilt about scanning in my cross stitch patterns to share illegally with others. 

Sometimes, in the darkest moments of the night, I wonder if I have somehow let my family down by not having a “regular” job that would have built up more job security, benefits and pension over the years and just done my art as a “hobby”.

Then I take a deep breath and remember that working from home gave me time with my children that no money could ever buy back.  I see the proof of those years in the young women they are becoming.

I exhale and remember that I have had the joy of seeing my name in print in magazines and on bookshelves.

I inhale and realize that I have tried more often than I have failed...

and that is what being Creative every day as a way of life is all about.  It is supposed to be as easy as breathing. It is supposed to be something we just do without thinking.  It will probably take me the rest of my life to learn how to do this without my own daily worries, frustrations, criticisms or failures getting in the way.

So be Creative in everything you do... even the moments you think of as failures.  If you look at them from another angle, you’ll probably discover a new perspective.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” - Thomas Edison

INHALE:  Remember not to judge yourself by the current world standards.  I see kids who think that they have to be “discovered”, become as famous as Miley Cyrus or as wealthy as the Olsen Twins before they become adults.  They dream of being on television, in movies and of taking You Tube by storm.  Adults think that they must live in huge homes, drive flashy vehicles and have all the outward trappings of SUCCESS... in order to prove that they have lived their lives right.  They need all the right things and logos in their lives or  need to become brands in their own right for the world to stand up and take notice.  The recent disaster in Haiti and other world events keep reminding us that we need far less than that to stay alive, far more basic things to truly be happy and that the basic human, creative spirit is a powerful, creative force in its own right.  Take a deep breath and just take each day at a time.

EXHALE:  Today’s exhalation is in honour of the Olympics underway right now in Vancouver and the overwhelming Creativity displayed last night during the Opening Ceremonies.  Find a quiet corner and take some time to think about areas in your life that you are truly satisfied with.  Not all successes can be measured in monetary means or by the world’s standards.  With Fimo, tinfoil, glitter, ribbon, Photoshop or anything else that inspires you, make a medal or a trophy to celebrate at least one achievement that you are proud of and tuck it into your keepsake box, sketchbook or put it out on display.  Be proud of the ways in which you’ve been true to yourself, your beliefs and your Creativity!

Trying Not to Hold My Breath...

This is a time of year when the veil between Heaven and Earth thins a little.  Everyone is rushing around preparing for the many celebrations that brighten this time of year.  This weekend is going to be incredibly busy as so many obligations collide...  and I keep catching myself holding my breath.

I do that while driving or as a passenger, especially now that snow has fallen, as cars cut each other off or run red lights in their hurry.  The girls were disappointed that today wasn’t a snow day after the storm blew through to quickly... but I needed that day home alone.

I hold my breath to calm myself when a wave of anxiety about my father hits.  When I exhale, I am reminded that there are things in this world over which I have no control.  I can, however, try not to make myself turn blue or purple.

I hold my breath when I am excited. There will be plenty of that this weekend as Erin’s team plays in the Provincial Volleyball Finals to establish rankings for the year.  When the score gets close, I am often so caught up in the volleys back and forth that I don’t breathe until someone scores a point!

I also find myself holding my breath sometimes while creating things.  Today was all about getting angel costumes ready for Sunday’s pageant at church.  Hemming was easy, but working with fabric paint and glitter requires steady hands... and sometimes holding your breath so that you don’t wobble.

My basement floor became the perfect place to let most of them dry overnight... as long as the rabbit doesn’t sneak out of her cage!

Every time I exhale after one of these moments, I am reminded of neat twist of fate that gave this blog its name.  I thought I was being clever and creative, but little did I know how those simple images would come to mean to me on this 365 day journey.  I can hardly believe it has been 3 months since the start of the adventure.  There was so much more that I expected to have done by now!  Through all of the fun and most of the chaos, thinking about ways to bring Creativity into my life has been a wonderful anchor.  Maybe that’s what we need most when storms hit - an anchor or a safe harbour.

INHALE:  If I have learned nothing else in the last 90 days, it has been that you cannot control everything in your life.  The wonder of all of this is that you CAN control how you respond to what is thrown at you, especially when looking for Creative solutions.  I haven’t always been successful in the past 3 months, but some of the strength I have gained along the way has been because of the effort more than because of the results.  I’m learning to love the expression “Plan all the details, then go with the flow!”

EXHALE:  There are SO many opportunities to get involved in something Creative during this time of year, especially in ways that help others.  Can you knit mittens or scarves for a shelter? Take some toys to a hospital or youth charity? Buy an extra turkey for a family who may have none?  Think about how you could stop holding your breath and just get out there to make a difference in one other person’s life.  If nothing else, you’ll get so busy that you’ll forget about whether or not you should hold your breath and one other person’s life will be enriched!