A funny thing happened since my last blog post... I forgot how to breathe. As life threw one curve ball after another at me, I felt as if I was sucking small gasps of air through clenched teeth instead of nice, deep inhales and exhales.
I felt as if the only thing I had to say was a scream or a sob... and I felt crushed.
I’d had such grand plans when I dove into this experiment 7 months ago. I had wonderful visions of filling each day with more joy and creativity than the day before. I envisioned the wonderful, enviable person I would become as I shared this wonderful adventure with an eager, waiting world out there in cyberspace. It was like a honeymoon!
This past month has definitely been more like a couple who have been married at least 7 years... the sparkle was starting to wear off as life kept crashing down around me.
I started to resent my Creativity when it whispered that I should take a bit of time out of the chaos to just breathe. It was like a partner suddenly pointing out an annoying habit of leaving the cap off the toothpaste or socks on the floor.
As I threw myself into the colouring book illustration project with all the changes and approvals, the shift in personnel and the inner demons of self-doubt, my Creativity waited patiently, like a faithful lover waits on the couch on a Friday night for their partner to come home from overtime at the office.
As I scrambled to finish a knitted afghan for a member of my faith family struck down suddenly only to have them die before I could finish it, my Creativity hugged me in comfort and whispered that there would be someone else to appreciate the gift in time.
As I drove my hands, eyes and body to the brink with multiple deadlines, my Creativity chided me to find a better balance the way a spouse would point out that too many cookies is bad for the waistline.
I tried ignoring Creativity’s voice reminding me to just inhale and exhale, to imagine a bit, to dream a bit and to just ride this rough patch through. I felt I had nothing to say to it, to myself or to the world.
Now with some of the deadlines passed and a crop of new pressures on the horizon, my Creativity and I have entered a new, deeper relationship. I have learned that I don’t have to justify this adventure to myself or make it live up to some impossible standard, I just have to go through the process.
One breath at a time.
As I look back on what I did during the past 41 days of my life and the silence here in cyberspace, I can see how my Creativity prodded me, encouraged me and pestered me into living this adventure despite myself. Here’s how I know.
• the lap quilt that would have been for Betty if she'd survived the stroke and heart attack...
• the scarf I finished for Erin just as the last of the snow melted...
• the ornament I designed and stitched for next fall's JCS ornament issue... sorry, you only get a tiny peek!
• the denim blue moss stitch scarf that only worked in the car and not at the volleyball games. I kept forgetting to K or P!
• the logo designed for a friend's family reunion this summer...
• a glimpse at two of the quick sketches I did on my tablet hooked up to the smart board during a school visit where
Paul Burns (author of Owen & the Dinosaur) and I did an enrichment workshop where they created stories as a group while I illustrated the panels.
• the pink wool I picked up to knit a baby blanket for my cousin's little daughter who was just born a few weeks ago. It is half done thanks to a 2 day tournament in Halifax as well as the drive there and back...
No Inhale or Exhale tonight... just the whisper "I'm Back!"